A few years ago I thought, for a change, I’d venture into the world outside and get involved in stuff that was happening, meet people and do stuff; blog, make things. I thought I enjoyed some of the things I was doing, but now I have no idea what I enjoyed/whether I enjoyed anything/what enjoyment is. I’ve tried to re-evaluate everything that is evaluateable but I’m no clearer about anything.
I don’t know what to do with my time/self, I’m back to the idea that even were I healthier, any sort of life I’d want to live is impossible, things that I’d stumbled upon that seemed promising now seem so small and pale and thin; a trick masquerading as a treat; waking hours feel like they’re spent killing time until I go to sleep. What am I going to blog from here?
I’ve been in hiding/extended hibernation for a few months, I haven’t been anywhere, haven’t spoken to anyone (besides my mother and the occasional apartment maintenance person). I haven’t had the energy to do much, besides making/listening to music/watching web stuff. I’ve been more consistently unwell lately that I’ve been for a couple of years. The thought of having to meet anyone or go anywhere makes me anxious, the idea of blogging or tweeting or sending an email makes me nervous, all this is familiar territory.
I spose I haven’t posted about this cos 1) in hiding, 2) it seems somewhat melodramatic and goes no where — all of this is a dead end.
Anyway, that’s the “Why I haven’t been posting lately” post.